A Star Pilot's Heart Read online

  I winced. Every tactic was failing here. “There’s only three bunks on the Firebrand,” I said lamely because I had no other arguments left.

  “We’ll have to share.” Orion winked.

  I flashed him the finger and he raised an eyebrow at me as though to say “what did I do?”

  “Drop the macho shit, Orion,” the general said. “Captain Bellatrix, you will be a Commander on this mission. Act like one.”

  As she talked, I slouched until my face was inches from hitting the table. “You can’t take my Firebrand. It’s the only thing that never failed me.” My voice was soft as though all the fight had gone out of me. I wanted to crawl away and hide rather than sit here, on display.

  “We’ll take good care of the ship, Calpurnia,” Hamal was saying. “I promise.”

  “If you don’t want this mission, you are welcome to reenlist as an airman,” the general said. “We always need skilled pilots.”

  I’ve sacrificed everything for The Uprising. Now they were taking my ship because I was the only one who saw that this team couldn’t succeed. I slammed my chair back. It shrieked against the floor and slammed into Antares’s desk. The men watched me, silently, judging. I didn’t look at them as I hurried from the room.

  Eight

  “Cali,” Orion hissed my name like he used to so that we could find each other in the dorms after lights-out.

  I shoved the memory away and walked faster. I needed to get away from him.

  “Calpurnia,” Orion said louder. His rough hand grabbed my wrist. I jerked as though he burned my skin, but his grip tightened. My pulse throbbed against his thumb. His warm, firm touch on the sensitive skin of my inner wrist sent a shiver along my arm. I wanted to make him let go. I should have made him let go.

  But I didn’t.

  “What are you doing?” he said. “This isn’t like you—”

  I laughed, the sound was bitter and rough. “How would you know? You haven’t spoken to me in three years.”

  He snorted, and I narrowed my eyes. “Oh, I still know you, Cali—”

  “Not even an apology! Not even a full explanation.”

  “You want an apology now? I tried to give you one, but you wouldn’t hear it.”

  I remembered that sincere, tender look in his eyes as he stumbled over his tongue in my cockpit. He had been trying to give me more than an apology. And I didn’t know what would happen to my heart if he did. I’ve worked so hard to get over him, to be strong and independent. I couldn’t risk losing any of that to some guy who would walk out on me again.

  “I don’t want anything from you,” I said.

  Orion’s mouth quirked into a half smile. “You were always the bad-ass one. When you cut me off in the Firebrand, I figured you wanted to skip all the sentiment and—”

  “And what? Jump into bed with you?”

  He looked me up and down, slowly savoring each moment. My heart skipped beats. “I hoped so,” he said. “That, or start over.”

  I opened my mouth to argue but thought better of it. He was a waste of my time. No point in spending energy on someone who I wouldn’t see again after today. “Let go of me,” I said coldly, summoning up my best glower.

  His gaze trailed along my arm and to where his hand gripped my wrist. He sighed, low and soft, and pried his fingers from me. His stare didn’t stray from my wrist, so I jammed my hand into my pocket.

  He cleared his throat. “You’re good at fighting, Cali. Nobody is better. I know our company fell apart and I left, but that wasn’t because of you.”

  If I had been good enough, why did half the company leave? Why did you leave? Why did my parents leave on that evacuation ship when the Supremacy invaded? I snorted mockingly to cover the old wounds popping open inside me like scurvy.

  “You were the best leader that I ever followed. We all thought so,” Orion said.

  It wasn’t true. He was just playing me like he always did, but this time I was smart enough to know better. No one would betray and abandon me again. “Yeah, I was so wonderful that you couldn’t stand to stick around.”

  Orion frowned deeply. It was startling. I’d never seen him look so sad before. I almost reached out to comfort him before reminding myself he didn’t deserve it.

  “I didn’t leave because of you,” he said. “If you give me a chance, I’ll prove it. Every day for the rest of my life.”

  I laughed, a bitter, angry sound.

  “I’ll show you,” Orion said. His eyes were still sad as he took a step toward me. I took a step back and bumped into the wall. He leaned in close and the warmth of his body washed over me. I breathed deeply of his earthy smell. It hadn’t changed, and it still reminded me of the deep forests of my home on Erow.

  His breath was hot on my mouth, and I parted my lips, longing to taste him. Liquid heat throbbed between my thighs. I tensed every muscle to stop myself from pressing against him. How long had it been since I last felt the warmth of a man against me? I suddenly missed him more than I even missed my home world. I wanted him to wrap his strong arms around my waist like he used to.

  Shit. Why was he having this effect on me after all these years?

  “I won’t leave you again,” he said in a voice so low that I felt it rumble in my blood like a ship’s engine. “You don’t have to do this alone anymore.”

  I’d done everything alone, and the one time I didn’t, everything went to hell. My whole body trembled from having Orion this close to me, but I didn’t need another betrayal or another ghost. And that was what he would be in the end. I was going to make it very clear that I had learned to live without him.

  “Orion,” I moaned, leaning forward to brush my lips against his and to press my breasts against his strong chest. My nipples hardened and ached for his touch, but I ignored them.

  Orion’s eyes bore into mine with a desperate heat. “Cali,” he groaned.

  “Get the hell out of my way.” I ground the words out through clenched teeth; my body was trying to stop me from pushing him away.

  He blinked, heat fading to confusion.

  “Take two steps back. Now.” I pulled out my best commanding voice.

  He shuffled back, and I tried not to grin at how good it felt to make him do something. He stood there with a mix of anger and confusion on his handsome face. “You’re refusing this mission because of me.”

  Don’t let him get to you. “I’m refusing because I can see every single thing that will go wrong. You’ll fight with Antares until one of you pushes the other out an airlock. You’ll all pick on Polaris for lacking battle experience—”

  “So?” he laughed.

  “So? No crew succeeds when its members turn on each other, which is what you men are going to do with your dick-wagging. The infighting will get us killed. I am not leading a mission doomed to failure. Not again.”

  “I won’t fail you,” Orion said. “Not ever.”

  “I can’t believe that,” I said softly. “I can’t believe in you anymore.” I didn’t want to see the hurt look in his eyes, so I turned on my heel to march away. I knew he was watching me and it made my blood hum and my hands tremble. The worst part was that I didn’t know if it was from rage, desire, or both.

  Nine

  I didn’t normally drink because you were never off-duty in The Uprising. At least, I wasn’t. The fight never ended, never paused. One moment you were buzzed and laughing with your buddies. The next somebody was trying to blow your base apart, and you had no choice but to fight. If I was going to fight, I was going do it well. Not wasted, confused, and dizzy.

  But tonight, I ended up in Star Keeper’s Bar anyway. With the Firebrand in Orion’s command, I had nowhere to go. I wouldn’t have assigned quarters until my application to rejoin the air force was approved.

  So, I sat at the bar with my hand wrapped around a beer bottle that had gone warm. I took two swigs and remembered that I hated the taste. Plus, I still felt like I was on duty. And you don’t drink on duty.

 
The bar’s curving white walls glowed with their own light. This was not a dark place where you could hide like the pubs I visited during smuggling missions. It was stuffy with that metallic smell that you got from air recyclers, like the smell of the air on my ship. But here, it was mixed with alcohol and the sweat of strangers.

  The speakers played some cheesy love song. I glared at couples who cuddled and swayed on the small dance floor. They didn’t notice, of course. They only noticed each other. What a stupid way to be, oblivious to risks and dangers all around them. But the thought only made me sad.

  Something slammed onto the bar, jolting my arm. A Saturn-class plasma cannon was dripping mud onto the shiny bar top. Saturns were impressive guns, nearly as long as I was tall. I should have noticed somebody walking in here with a big-ass gun. Instead I was staring at those stupid dancing couples. I was as bad as they were.

  The gun’s owner planted his fist on the bar. He was only a few inches taller than I was. His lion-like hair fell over his shoulders in perfect waves, but mud clung to his knee-high combat boots. His forest green jacket was torn, revealing bare skin underneath, inked with black swirls. His eyes were the same innocent blue as fresh flowers, but he didn’t look innocent or sweet.

  “Scotch on the rocks,” he said to Ami, the bartender. “Actually, make that two. I have a long night ahead. Put it on my tab under Crux Magellan. But you can call me Rux.” He winked at her. They always did, and Ami always rolled her eyes at them.

  “That damn blockade around Seineeg is getting stronger by the day.” His voice was raspy like a dog’s growl. “Nearly destroyed my ship. The battle on the ground’s even more of a shit show. Seineeg will fall in a week.”

  A cold shudder rippled through me. Seineeg was a major supplier of food to The Uprising. I cursed under my breath. He heard me, somehow, and turned my way with a look of smoldering rage.

  “It’s even worse than that. I’m supposed to go on this mission to retrieve crucial intel, but the captain of this team is a bloody coward. Dropped out at the last minute, leaving us scrambling to find someone with the same skills. Can you believe it?”

  I glanced away from him because now I knew his rage was directed at me. I took a swig of room temperature beer so I didn’t have to say anything.

  “We’re going either way,” he said. “I gotta learn to be a smuggler overnight from books and movies.”

  The glasses of Scotch clinked as Ami placed them on the bar. “You know, Calpurnia here is a mighty fine smuggler. Maybe she can help.”

  Well, shit.

  I could have walked away, but I didn’t. Despite what Rux thought, I wasn’t a coward.

  He looked at me almost in disbelief. His full lips parted a bit, then he smashed a fist down onto the bar. “How can you abandon The Uprising?”

  I shrugged nonchalant and side-eyed him. “Hell, I want to go. The general and I don’t agree on terms.”

  He laughed, a short bitter sound like a shot of old whiskey. “You want to be paid. Unbelievable—”

  “Shit, no. I work for free most of the damn time.”

  “Then what’s your problem?” He curled his full lips in disgust.

  “I want this mission to succeed and the general’s terms don’t allow for that.”

  “What terms?”

  “I don’t work with unreliable people.”

  He laughed again. The sound was so mocking and cruel that it made something curl up in my chest like a snail trying to hide in its shell. “Can you believe this?” he said to Ami. “We’re going to spend our lives under the heel of the Supremacy because she doesn’t play well with others.”

  I slammed a hand onto the bar. He started, and I smirked mockingly. “With a gun like that, you’d think you’d be used to loud sounds. I guess it’s all for show.” I settled back down on my stool, turned my back to him, and took a swig of beer. “While you screw up this mission, I’ll be on the front lines in my trusty fighter.”

  “Wait…did you say her name was Calpurnia?” he said. “The Calpurnia Bellatrix of the Battle of Sule?”

  I closed my eyes and wished I could stop the sound of his voice. I wished I could stop replaying the sounds of that battle.

  He tsked. “I didn’t think the commander in that fight would be a coward.”

  I forced myself to laugh at him. “I’m in and out of Supremacy space every single day as easily as if I ruled the damn galaxy. This mission? It’s too easy for me.”

  He crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes at me. Even narrowed, they blazed like blue giant suns.

  “It’s you and the other idiots who will make it difficult,” I added.

  “No, I see what this is.” He wiggled a perfectly manicured finger at me and I wanted to snap it off. How did he keep his hands so neat in a battle zone? “You’ve lost your fight.”

  My fist tightened on the beer bottle. Don’t throw it at him, I reminded myself. Don’t ever let them see you upset. “I’ve been fighting, alone, every single day of my life, and I don’t intend to stop.”

  “You have stopped.”

  “I’m just not wasting my time with incompetent crews.” I looked him over and sneered.

  His fists clenched around his biceps, digging his nails into his arm. I grinned. This time, it came easy.

  “Incompetent? I’m the best damn gunner in The Uprising. That’s why they called me here.”

  “Or they wanted to get you out of the way so the grown-ups could do their jobs on Seineeg.”

  He growled, low and deep in his throat. It was as gravelly as the rest of his voice. The skin along his neck and collarbones turned pink from rage.

  Good.

  “You’re nothing but a coward,” he said, low and menacing as a wolf’s warning growl.

  I didn’t need his approval or anyone else’s. I didn’t need to prove myself to him. “If you’re so brave, what do you need me for?” I jumped down off the bar stool.

  He was wrong. I wasn’t afraid. I was realistic. I knew this team would fall apart. Orion hated taking orders and would leave to find his own ship the second we landed somewhere. Antares would probably betray us to the Supremacy. Polaris would fall apart the moment he saw battle for the first time. They would fail, just like my last team.

  “The Uprising could fall because you lost your fight,” Rux called behind me. I didn’t answer. Don’t ever let them get to you.

  But his words echoed in my head as I hurried down the base’s corridors, hurrying though I had nowhere to go.

  I never stopped fighting the Supremacy. I believed I never would. But here I was wallowing while other rebels flew my ship to save the galaxy, all because they asked me to do one thing I couldn’t: Trust.

  But maybe there was another way to avoid the men, regain my ship, and save the spy.

  Ten

  I pushed away thoughts about everything that could go wrong with this plan. Instead, I focused on how good it felt to be back in a clean officer’s uniform. I wore a navy-blue flight suit with a short black jacket pinned with the seal of office, which I received from the general only hours before. The pin was the gold-plated wings of a Commander, and it felt good to wear it.

  My usually messy hair was tied in a neat braid over my left shoulder. That fixed its messiness, but not its mud brown color. On the up side, it helped with smuggling. In busy ports, nobody looked twice at a slight woman with messy dull hair and a dirty flight suit.

  In the middle of the sleep cycle, the bay was nearly silent. With each step, my boots clicked on the docking bay floor and announced my oncoming presence. I wished I could tiptoe instead, but the key to doing something you shouldn’t was to act as if you were doing precisely what you should.

  In a way, I was. I was flying my own ship out of here, after all.

  The Firebrand’s ramp was shut tight. I sighed in relief to see her again. She was locked up until zero hour at nine am when the general would provide the final briefing on Antares’s intel.

  The uniform, the officer�
��s commission, the agreement to lead this mission: They were all a ploy to gain the access codes to unlock my ship and fly out of here.

  Alone.

  But first I needed to know where Agent Winters was.

  I turned my back to the Firebrand and aimed for the black Blade Star hunkered against the far bulkhead. At the top of its open ramp, Mr. Pancake stood guard. Even at this late hour, his head was lifted high and his nose sniffed the air.

  I crouched. “Come here, boy.” He opened his mouth in a smile and trotted down the ramp. Some guard dog.

  He sprawled on the deck with his short legs in the air and his mouth open in a happy little pant. His belly was warm and soft under my palm. It has been a long time since I had someone warm to touch.

  “Who’s a good doggo?” I cooed at him. I eyed his collar as the gems on it caught the light and reflected rainbows across the concrete floor. Moonarin diamonds. Those were ungodly expensive. Antares had been paid well as a bounty hunter.

  So why had he betrayed his bosses?

  Maybe he hadn’t betrayed them. Maybe this was all a trap.

  I marched up the ramp of the Supremacy ship. Beyond the light spilling in from the docking bay, the ship’s corridor stretched into shadow. It was almost homey, like the darkness on the Firebrand when drifting through nowhere.

  I paused, uncertain which way to go. Maybe I should call out. I was Antares’s ranking officer, after all.

  Mr. Pancake barked once and darted away into the shadows. My gaze followed him, but a light flicked on and I squeezed my eyes shut at the sudden brightness.

  I blinked my eyes clear to find Antares watching me with a cold, blank expression. Why wasn’t he in a cabin? Was he standing guard all night, waiting for someone, for something?

  Slowly, he crouched to rub the dog’s ears. His dark, unblinking eyes studied me, and I couldn’t tell if he was undressing me with his eyes or peering into my soul. I felt naked and exposed under his probing gaze. A shudder trailed down my spine like a cool finger trailing along my bare skin.